A Rift Mended

"A Rift Mended"

Author: CdnJAGScribe

E-mail:

Rating: M

Classification: Angst/Romance

Spoilers: Set in between Shifting Sands & Secret Agent Man

Summary: Surprise…a Harm/Mac story. Be sure you read this because it may be a long time before I do another one. And yeah…this one isn't a Mac-bashing one.

DISCLAIMER: The characters Harm Rabb, Jr., Sarah "Mac" Mackenzie, Meg Austin, AJ Chegwidden, Bud Roberts, Harriet Sims-Roberts et al. belong (in concept if not name) to CBS/Bellisarius. Animal and all OC characters are the property of Heather and Hugo Chikamori. No profit is being made from this story, nor is any infringement intended.

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McMurphy's Tavern, Falls Church, VA, 1600hrs

Harm nursed his beer; noting rather soberly that it was getting warm and it really didn't taste very smooth going down the throat. He grimaced as he raised his hand rather shakily; his eyesight a little bleary, "Barkeep…can I get another one?" He really didn't give a shit about how drunk he was making himself. After today, he had the right to be smashed; the alternative was unbearable. Anything to keep his mind off of unemployment and the impending job search.

A disgusted sounding growl invaded his aural cavity; "A little early to be tying one on, isn't it, Hammer?"

"Not now…" he grumbled, his face heating, half in his cups.

"Jesus Christ, Hammer. How many did you go through?"

An unwelcome thought crashed through what neurons were still firing albeit inebriated; no it wasn't her. He looked up in horror. Short, stocky yet curvy build...Yes, it was. It was Skates. Skates had a pitying expression on her face that made Harm feel like the smallest living being. Frankly he was embarrassed to have Skates, his RIO, see her driver in such a vulnerable state as this.

"Honey…did you just say that Harm was here?" Another voice assailed his auditory canal, the tones were so familiar and he hadn't heard her voice in so long that he nearly dropped his newly acquired libation.

"M-meg? Meg Austin?" he croaked out, nearly kicking over the chair in response to the voice. "I…I…haven't seen you for…so…" He moved forward to embrace her, but was startled when Meg, usually accommodating to his PDAs, moved backwards out of his reach.

"Hold on there…Harm." Her barely audible twang sounded amused. "Before you get all touchy-feely…you might want to ask my husband if that's OK."

"H-husband?" Harm looked like he'd been knocked for a loop. When his eyes could focus he locked on a Meg whose hair was much shorter; styled in a tousled bob, and recoiled to see Animal moving to stand beside her. He looked her up and down and noticed that there was a gold band on Meg's left ring finger, nestled beside a thin gold band with a princess cut diamond – frankly after Paraguay he'd had it with diamonds. He'd wished he'd never heard of the damned things, especially after how things had gone with Mac. Animal had been the one who had made the first comment regarding the earliness of his drinking session. Hell, Animal had never been through a Chegwidden verbal assault, so what right did he have to be so judgemental, Harm thought resentfully. "Husband?" he repeated somewhat deflated. "How?" He cringed for a moment thinking of how much he sounded like an idiot.

"We met in Naples." Meg replied casually, giving him an evaluating once-over. The memories of those times that they used to exchange heated glances and loaded looks had all but disappeared. She cheekily grinned at him and said, "It was the gold wings…"

By this time the barkeep was giving Harm pointed stares and Harm getting the message invited all three to sit down with him.

Animal growled, "So…what happened to you to have us find you here at 1600hrs on a weekday plastered half out of your mind and working on the other half?"

Harm snorted bitterly, "I was fired…got told to go look for another job. I think if I remember correctly, although after about five beers, it's not all too clear anymore: According to the admiral, I'm not a team player…and I think he said something to the fact that I'm completely controlled by my own emotions… and if I remember correctly…that was somewhere between the admission that he'd shoved my resignation up the chain to BuPERS and telling me to either drive a cab or wrestle alligators." At that Meg raised an eyebrow, restraining a snort of disgust at the temerity of the admiral to dismiss Harm's years of service with such a derogative evaluation of his competence.

"I presume Mac was in there?" Animal commented sarcastically.

Harm snorted. "Well, you assumed right, sir..." Animal was three ranks ahead of Harm and five years older and was well-versed in military customs and procedure and dressing down an officer especially in the presence of another officer was not considered proper military etiquette. Especially when Harm was a decorated military officer with a proven track record.

"So Miss Prim n'Proper Marine didn't open her mouth one single iota to help you plead your case?" Harm, carefully on hearing the question, peered at Animal and he swore he could hear the insult directed at Mac like a physical beating.

"What else could she do? If she tried to defend me, she'd be court-martialed." Harm replied after a moment to contemplate his response.

"So...you haul your ass down there, save her ass end, then she doesn't even have the courtesy of defending you to Chegwidden?" Animal snorted disgustedly. "I don't know what the hell you see in her...Rabb."

As angered and hurt as he was with Mac's choice of Webb as a suitable mate after all he had done, he still had this inexorable need to defend her. "I seriously doubt she didn't feel any guilt. Animal." He retorted. After that meeting where he had had his entire career and world implode; as he turned to leave, he'd caught the devastated look on Mac's face that Chegwidden hadn't seen fit to welcome him back and all but called him a liability. Harm knew for a fact that his Navy career was over. Even if on the minuscule off-chance that the SECNAV wanted him back, he knew he would not be able to go back to JAG. "She did put up a protest..." He began, as Animal cut him off...

"Yeah, a token one, I bet..." Animal could be abrasive but under that coat of surliness beat a heart that cared about his family and friends. And he could see his friend was hurting...badly.

Meg had kept her silence for a while as she had listened to her husband and her former work colleague converse. "Harm," she said softly, "what do you intend to do now?"

"Outside of nurse this beer in my hand?" Harm asked, looking blearily at the beer in his hand with surprise as if wondering how it had gotten there, his hand movements sluggish, "I have absolutely no idea..." He fastened a silly grin on his face. "Maybe I will move to Florida...and wrestle alligators. In fact...I think that's a great idea..." He looked at them decisively with a strangely amusing grin on his face, as if he'd reached a momentous decision. He then chugged back the entire contents of his bottle as if to celebrate his choice.

"If anything, Hammer..." Skates chimed in as Harm turned his head in the direction of her voice with exaggerated aplomb, "I don't think you should be driving home." She paused for a moment then gave him yet another one of her looks; "Face it, Harm, one of us three is gonna have to drive you home." Skates informed him. She extended out her right hand, palm up as Harm looked at her in confusion. "Keys! Hammer!" She ordered.

Harm could see Animal was grinning, the admiral had a wolfish smile as if to say serves you right, Hammer.

"C'mon..." He protested, "Just one more beer..."

"Harm!" Meg's voice had a hint of steel surrounding it, something he'd never heard the usually sweet and affable Meg Austin to utilize, He had heard it once before in Peru with her dressing down the late and lamented Gunnery Sergeant Granger, but never directed at him, "I think you've reached your cut-off point." She narrowed her eyes and glared at him, the slight nod of her head indicating the standing and knocked over bottles littering the table. Where the hell had she learned that tone of voice? Oh, yeah that's right...wrangling Animal was a full-time occupation in itself. Harm grumbled to himself as he stood up and made a great show of handing Skates the keys to the car. Smirking gratefully, Skates took the keys from his hand and slipped them into her jacket pocket.

"Lieutenant Commander…" Animal stated firmly. "We'll follow you there and then give you a ride back to NAF Washington."

"Thank you, sir. I'd appreciate that."

"Skates…" Harm said blearily, "How'd you get stuck shuttling VIPs around?"

"Just lucky, I guess…" Skates muttered sarcastically. "Detailer couldn't find an Eighteen Squadron to slot me to until a vacancy crops up so until then I'm on important people moving detail."

"Damn, that sucks." Harm grumbled, sympathetically.

"C'mon, Harm, let's get that alcohol wrung out of you..." Skates ordered and ushered him out the door. "You need to head home and dry out or no-one's gonna want to hire you."

Harm's Apartment, North of Union Station, 1755hrs.

Mac pulled up in her Corvette into the alley which Harm usually parked. In the usual two parking spots he had was parked his Corvette and another car, a 2003 Chevy Impala. Was it mistakenly parked there, but Mac had to circle twice to find another parking spot and a five minute walk ensued back to Harm's apartment. Letting herself in the main door, she headed up to his floor and through a closed door she could hear both male and female voices in his suite conversing: two different male voices, two different female voices. Biting down the desire to turn away and run from this as far as possible, she forced herself to confront the situation and knock on the door. "Can someone get the door, I don't particularly feel like getting it right now…" Harm's voice called out. The conversation stopped and eventually the door opened, partially. A blonde-haired, blue-eyed woman stood blocking entry to the doorway, "Hello?" she said. Mac thought she sounded rather suspicious.

Mac's heart dropped to her ankles. Not another blonde bimbo that Harm had picked up. It seemed to be a thing with him to gravitate towards vapid blondes.

"Who are you?" Well, Mac couldn't expect the woman to know who she was, since the blonde didn't look as though she could read military insignia let alone tell a Marine from a Navy officer.

"I'm Lieutenant Colonel Sarah Mackenzie, Harm's partner?" she finished pointedly. "I was wondering if Harm was in?"

"I don't suppose that he's in too much of a talking mood. Ms. Mackenzie." The blonde pointed out. She was taller than Mac by several inches and the omission of her rank with which she had introduced herself with was a pointed slight in her direction. Evidently this blonde had known Harm prior to her arrival at JAG. "Forgive me for my rudeness." She continued, "I'm Meg…Austin…" she commented as Mac's heartbeat picked up in alarm. No…of all the things to happen, Meg coming back out of the woodwork had to have been her biggest nightmare. Meg was enjoying this. As a female she could read all the signals coming off this jarhead clearly as a signboard in broad daylight. She twisted the knife in a little bit more. "But, I go by…Commander…Megan Austin…" she paused; an evil smirk on her face,…as if to stop there…and then tossed in as a casual after thought… "professionally, however…" she paused yet again. "my married name…is Meg Austin-Nakamura." Take that, you self-absorbed jarhead. Meg thought to herself.

The rush of relief nearly made Mac sink to her knees. She had come to see Harm, to hash things out to see where they stood, both as friends and perhaps as something more. With all the alarming thoughts that had been running through her head, the simple fact that Meg was a married woman and therefore out of reach of Harm ever renewing her acquaintance made Mac extremely grateful to whatever deity was out there.

"Harm?" CDR Meg Austin-Nakamura called out to Harm, "There's someone here at the door that you should talk to…if you can get the pounding headache out of your skull…" she paused for a moment. "I think you two need to talk."

"Who is it?" was the reply; Meg snorted in annoyance and looked over at Mac with a smidgen of sympathy at the bullheadedness of the man that both she and Mac knew all too well. Mac looked over with some surprise at the sympathy coming from Meg.

"Just get your ass over here, Harm, I'm not your goddamned secretary." Meg's Texas twang was more evident when she was annoyed, of which Harm was doing an extremely good job of provoking her into.

"Alright…sheesh, Meg." Harm voice sounded cross.

"You smell like a brewery." Meg pointedly told him as she sniffed the air around him, as he and Meg switched positions in the doorway. It was a close swap of positions like they'd done many times before in 95, like in Cuba – he still remembered that excursion fondly, but the intimacy wasn't there any more and the knowledge that she was a married woman curbed any feelings towards her.

But he didn't resist the temptation to tease her. "Well…thank you. I'm certainly glad for my olfactory senses that you smell considerably better than me at any point in time."

"Hey, Rabb…I'd thank you to not flirt with my wife…" the other male voice commented sarcastically.

Harm bit down a laugh and retorted back witty and quick, "I saw her first."

"Well, I married her…so deal." At that point, the other female voice barked out in laughter. Mac's heart sped up again. Another female in the apartment and that woman didn't sound like she was attached to anyone. Oh dear god, not again.

"What do you want, Mac." Harm looked at her without any emotion at all. She recoiled from the verbal slap.

"We need to talk." Mac said quietly, trying to quell her emotions.

"I thought we said all we needed to in Paraguay." His rising hurt was taking over again; the urge to lash out and wound. "You pretty much closed the door on any sort of relationship…"

"I think we'd better take that as a cue to leave…" the male voice said. "Those two need to hash this out."

"Can I come in?" Mac asked Harm.

Harm replied tiredly, "If you must…" He really didn't have the energy to go through this. After that drinking binge, his body ached with the desire for more alcohol to numb the pain, but he wasn't about to drink in front of Mac.

"A word with you, Colonel Mackenzie." Mac looked over to see the man who spoke. Even though he was dressed in a G-1 leather flight jacket, jeans and t-shirt, his stance and demeanour screamed stars. And Mac instinctively snapped to attention as she was still in uniform having taken the long way home from work. He pulled Mac in to the side while the rest gathered by Harm, "I don't know what the hell happened down there…but Harm is my friend, we served in Iraq together during the First Gulf War, flying CAP over Camel Station. We protected each other's six. We depended on each other so we could come home in one piece. Now I'm only going to say this once and it'd better sink in clearly, Colonel. You hurt him again, and I'll goddamned guarantee that I will make your life a living hell." He paused, "Do we understand each other, Colonel?"

"Crystal, sir."

"If you two are going to get back together…then you make damned sure you treat him right. Don't jerk him around…" If a pair of brown eyes could look cold…these ones sure did, Mac thought. "…or there won't be a goddamned position outside of Adak's Marine Security detail that will take you onboard."

"Sir! Yes, sir!"

"I think I've made my position clear?" His growl was just as intimidating as Chegwidden's.

"Clear as glass, sir." Mac drew a held breath as the admiral, for that was what she thought correctly that he was, nodded his head once and turned away towards his wife who was waiting for him.

"Mac…square this away once and for all…" was all Meg said as she turned to leave with her husband, the admiral.

The short RIO, the one that she referred to as Harm's dwarf backseater, stood in front of her, "Ma'am…You know that I don't like you very much, but he's one of my best friends, ma'am. Do right by him." Then they were gone after a few perfunctory backslaps around and then Harm and Mac were alone in his apartment.

Mac sighed deeply, she couldn't be resentful of them, they were his friends and they wanted the best for Harm. But what big shoes that she was supposed to fill? How could she when she still had the mental scars from a lifetime of abuse? And the abuse from Sadik was just the salty icing on a stale hard cake of resentment. But she didn't know whether or not the resentment was towards anyone that she knew or whether it was just at men in general. But above all, she was tired of running; of running away from something that she didn't understand…an unknown catalyst of fear percolated into sheer terror of commitment.

She took another deep breath…and walked over to the sofa and sat down on it, looking over at Harm expectantly.

Harm just shut the door and stared at her. The unemotional quality of the stare made her feel about three inches tall.

Finally when it was unbearable enough, she said, "So…are we going to sit here and stare at each other for the rest of the night?"

Harm said to her, the bitterness of his voice ripping a hole in her heart and tearing it to shreds, "Well…you've got Clay…you could go and see him – meanwhile, I think I may have another drink when I'm alone."

"All the more reason for me not to leave." She returned.

"You think I'm going to become an alcoholic?" The word rolled off his lips like an accusation: an insult. That was a low blow, especially for him. They had become too efficient in hurting each other. "You think I'm going to let you…turn me into one?" his statements were like slaps in the face. But they had been doing this to each other for too long and Mac was determined to not let this become like the other times, where they had hit each other with stinging verbal barbs because they couldn't say or admit to each other what it was that was eating them up.

"I'm not letting you drive me away, this time." Mac said firmly locking eye contact with Harm. "It's time we dealt honestly with each other and not let ourselves get sidetracked."

"Why now?" Harm asked; the tone in his voice almost plaintive. "We keep hurting each other. And I've finally come to the realization that I can't change…and neither can you."

"When we were in Paraguay, I asked you a question. I want a straight answer, Harm." She paused, "You resigned your commission and you travelled 5,000 miles to find me and nearly get killed. Why?"

Harm was silent…for a long time. Mac's heart was pounding in anticipation of the answer when he finally spoke. "…because I don't think that I could have survived…losing you." The last two words were so soft she could barely hear them. Mac didn't interject. She waited to hear him out for the first time in a long time. It was hard to do so because she was still in pain, still wondering if her whole demeanour was going to crack. "Because I was angry with myself, with Chegwidden that he wouldn't let me keep you safe…that he knew that he was sending you into a dangerous situation with an agent whose missions have gone south more times than I can count on both hands and feet and didn't have a contingency plan and he did it anyways, like he was willing to discard you. And then when I got down there and got you out of the situation, you kissed Webb." He said bitterly and then looked away as if he didn't want to see Mac's reaction.

"So…that explains why you were so against Webb while we were down there…and why you said some of the things that you did." Mac said softly. "But Harm, you can't understand what it felt like to hear his screams when Sadik tortured him. I'm the Marine, I was supposed to protect him, but he protected me and took the torture. They beat him, nearly to death. They burned him with cigarette butts and tasers. We had to think, to bond together in solidarity…we were going through this together…and then you came waltzing in like a white-knight with guns blazing, and at the end of it all you were intact…you were unhurt after all that Webb and I had been through. There was resentment that you couldn't understand what we had been through and I took it out all of that resentment that you were uninjured yet again, on you." Mac's eyes filled and spilled over, her tears tracking down her cheeks. "You were the one that always protected me…but you weren't there until the very end. And I'm sorry that I hurt you saying what I did, but it was in response to how you treated me. I've always been an afterthought." Harm looked like he was going to object to the characterization, but Mac held up her hand. "I don't want you to treat me like an afterthought any more. If you are going to have me, then I want to be your life…your whole life. I want you to treat me like an equal." She paused for a long moment. "You said some hurtful things there like Just how many times have you taken his pants off anyway? I know it might seem like I've jumped into bed with every other guy just because…" she paused for a long moment as Harm levelled an assessing look at her. "But I've never, ever…played the whore with Clay or with any of the men that I've been with. Each of them has been a single monogamous relationship." There was a touch of anger in her voice there that wasn't there before. "It hurt, Harm, that you insinuated that I had a sexual relationship with him, just because…" she trailed off.

"Then why?"

"Why did I gravitate towards Dalton? Why did I gravitate towards Mic, towards Webb?" she asked him. "Dalton was because I thought at first that I was in love with him, with his lifestyle and I wanted it at the time. But then I realized that money isn't everything. Mic was my first truly enjoyable relationship – but that was after you rejected me in Sydney." Mac stated, giving him the look.

"I didn't reject you in Sydney" Harm replied, "I needed more time."

"Why?"

"It was too soon after…" he paused for a moment to swallow, "I needed to work out my feelings towards you, towards Meg and get over the death of Dad."

"You didn't say that…" Mac opined. "What you said was: You know they wrote "Eternity" on this bridge... in lights... on New Year's Eve. And I asked you if that was how long we were going to wait."

"I told you that location doesn't change who we are. We'd get in trouble if we slept together." Harm explained tiredly.

"But…now it isn't the case, is it…Harm…"

"No, I guess not." He said rather bitterly. "I'm unemployed…so who'd want someone like me?" he said sarcastically. "And I don't even get UI because I quit…and Chegwidden processed it. I'm not sure if I even want to go back to JAG even if by chance it was offered. I can't work under Chegwidden. He pretty much threw me under the bus when it came to the Singer murder trial and he just about left you to die in Paraguay. So what do I do?" he shook his head. "I'm not a candidate for a relationship, especially with this baggage." He paused. "You were right, Mac, I do want to be on top and it's been a bad habit of mine. It comes of being in control of a sixty one ton hunk of air-grade aluminum that flies at Mach 2 plus. If I'm not in control, I'm dead. It was drummed into me in flight-school by Hochhausen and in RAG by Nakamura. Blame them for my control freak nature." He continued bitterly. "You had to be insane to strap on an F-14 Tomcat and fly twice the speed of sound to take on bad guys in planes. But I did it and did it well. So it's part of me now."

"And I'll have to just learn how to deal with it…" Mac retorted. "That won't prevent me from giving you a slap upside the head periodically to curb you from it if necessary." She smiled a bit…wiping her eyes. "I'm beginning to understand why you did it…coming down to Paraguay that is."

"Really?" Harm asked, his tone disbelieving.

"You can't say it, though, can you? It's the trauma behind the words. Everybody that you said it to is gone, aren't they? Gym, your Dad, Diane…" Harm put his head in his hands as he sat down on the armchair farthest away from the couch as if he was scared of her. Mac put her own hurt aside and moved over to sit beside his taking his hands in her own. "Then what if I say it to you instead?"

"What?"

"Harm?" she said, her voice soft, but insistent. "I…love…you." She said, clearly enunciating every word.

He stared at her, barely getting his vocal chords working, his words coming out choked and harsh, "Do you really mean it?" he asked. "You're not just playing with my heart, are you?" Mac's heart convulsed painfully as she heard the pain in his voice.

"Yes, I mean it…" she said running her thumbs over the tops of his hands as she clasped his in hers. "…and no, I don't want to play with your heart any more. I want it for my own; to keep and to cherish…and to protect." She said simply.

"How can I believe you?" Harm asked, his eyes still looked scared of her, of the damage that she could do to his heart.

"We have too much baggage to work through for this to develop quickly." Mac decided. "But I think we should go see a therapist; the both of us. But all I want you to know for now is that I'm not with Clay and that I want to be with you. And anything else we'll take it as it comes. Harm. Do you trust me?"

Harm was introspective for a long moment before he replied. "It will take time. We've hurt each other too much in the past for it to be water under the bridge."

"Then let's take it one day at a time…no promises except one…just a hope that one day we'll be together, but we always put each other first in our lives from hereon in. That I have a say in your life and that you have a say in mine."

"You know that it's going to be difficult." Harm stated.

"I'm a Marine…difficult is part of the MOS." Mac said… "I have trauma to deal with and you have yours and we'll face it together."

"Semper Fi, just like in your Corps motto, you mean?" Harm asked.

"Of course…"

Harm visibly relaxed then said "Ok…I guess…" He squeezed her hands and got a reassuring squeeze from her. Their hearts still bruised and torn, but mending, each silently regarded each other with the realization of the commitment that bound them together and the long path before them. But they knew that their relationship would be the stronger for it. Instead of rushing into it and letting old hurts divide and conquer them, they would mend each rift and bind them together in domestic harmony.

And a shining hope for their everlasting unity would flare into eternity.